Casuistry! (What about divorce?)

There is no such thing as a "broken family." Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you. --sigh sigh sigh (see note at P.S. below)

Of the myriad cases of conscience (see yesterday's post) clergy must deal with in today's world, divorce has to be among the most common. And the Lutheran Church (- Missouri Synod) admits that there can be extenuating circumstances; however, we believe and teach that divorce is contrary to God's original design and intention for marriage. (And, no, contrary to popular misconception, we are not Catholic Lite and do not grant annulments...)

A lawyer in California authored an interesting article on divorce in America that showed up on the Communities Digital News website about a month ago. She notes that Millennials are responsible for a decline in marriages (they are marrying later in life) and, consequently, a decline in divorces; however, the average divorce occurs at year 12 and Millennials don't quite fit the stat...yet. Encouraging as these declines may be, there's a more disturbing statistic-- among Baby Boomers, of which I'm one, divorce has been on the serious incline since 1990, nearly doubling for 50+ and tripling for 65+ (check out the Pew Research Center stats)...

According to Pew, nearly 8 in 10 Millennials with low levels of religious commitment describe themselves as atheists, agnostics or “nothing in particular.” My guess is that as these Millennials get to the 12-year average their divorce rate will spike-- and I'm certain that church, or lack thereof, in their lives will play an integral role. To understand divorce, one must first understand marriage, and to understand marriage (as a covenant made between a man, a woman, and God, not a biological mating ritual). 

Sadly, many folks, both in and out of church, view marriage as a contract (maybe not necessarily made to be broken, but surely not ironclad). In the fall, my Pastoral Theology class was presented a list of case scenarios to choose one from and then formulate a response as to what we-- as the pastor-- would do. I chose the following...

Case Scenario: A female member in your parish tells you that she is seeking a divorce from her husband because he (an unbeliever, not a member of your congregation or any other that you know of) has “abandoned the marriage” by his refusal to get a job and support her and their children. What should be done?

My analysis follows (minus footnotes and sources, in blue):

Such a case study scenario, as the one above, seems all too real in a fallen world in which just about everything is disposable, including marriage—divorce is rampant in America (876,000 divorces a year). From my point of view as a future Lutheran pastor, it seems all too easy to simply corral a contentious couple intent on dissolving their marriage and, before suggesting marital counseling, invoke these words from the wedding ceremony, “What God has joined together, let no one put asunder.” However, since the time of the Reformation, troubled marriages have plagued the consciences of even the most well-intentioned of pastors. As the wife in this scenario argues for divorce, so God must certainly argue for reconciliation. As for the question at hand (What should be done?) there is no one-size-fits-all, easy answer.

Dr. Benjamin Mayes, in his book Counsel and Conscience Lutheran Casuistry and Moral Reasoning After the Reformation, points out how the Reformation in Germany altered Lutheran marriage practices, in large part over the question of whether priests could or should marry; the Roman Catholic stance on divorce (never) and annulments (at church discretion) only fed the need for a clearer, more scripturally sound understanding of marriage (and under what circumstances dissolution may be warranted). Mayes writes “Although Roman Catholic canon law continued to influence Lutheran teaching on marital matters, divorce and remarriage formed an area where the Lutherans diverged from Roman Catholic practice.” As Lutheran reformers attempted to refocus marriage practices within the framework of God’s intention, it became more evident that the destructive force of sin upon human relationships complicates what constitutes the legitimate need for divorce to be considered; C.F.W. Walther mentions only two verses as the criteria (Matthew 19:18—adultery, 1 Corinthians 7:15—abandonment or desertion) against which to validate the decision to dissolve that which God Himself created.

The scenario at hand is certainly not on the fringe of potential cases of conscience likely to be encountered in parish life, and the application of God’s Word should be the first step in determining how to proceed. But I think the wife’s accusation of abandonment needs to be addressed first. In general, the Missouri Synod views abandonment as legitimate grounds for divorce when:

A spouse who has been willfully and definitively abandoned by his or her partner who refuses to be reconciled and is unwilling to fulfill the obligations of the marriage covenant despite persistent persuasion may seek a legal divorce, which in such a case constitutes a public recognition of a marriage already broken, and remarry.

In this case scenario, “willfully and definitively” do not seem to fit; however, these two degrees of abandonment are very subjective without more specific details. A document adopted by the Synod’s Commission on Theology and Church Relations, Response to Request for an Opinion on Malicious Desertion from Michigan District President, adds a further degree of egregiousness by defining “malicious desertion” as not only willful and definitive, but sustained (a key symptom missing in the scenario, as well) abandonment, with the following caveat: 

The phrase “malicious desertion” may be understood to mean willful and sustained abandonment. Careful consideration, however, must be given to the circumstances which identify whether the “abandonment” is willful or malicious.

This understanding of abandonment/desertion is comes primarily from Ephesians 5, in which Paul is thought to be addressing Christians married to non-Christians, to whom he says in 1 Corinthians 7:15: “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” (This verse would be more helpful if it were the husband in the scenario seeking a divorce.)

At this point, I would say the wife has no case if she considers herself first a Christian, then a wife—which, if not true, speaks of a more prominent problem with her convictions and not of her marriage to a perceived unbeliever. But this woman is a member of my congregation, so as a Christian wife, she must be made to understand Paul’s exhortation directed to her specific situation in 1 Corinthians 7:13-14: “If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife… Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”

Since the Reformation, Lutherans have placed all authority deciding cases of conscience under the authority of Scripture—when no clear, explicit answer can be found in God’s Word, the systematic application of church law, civil law, local customs, and natural law may provide needed insight for the proper determination. But all of these sources can be interpreted subjectively, leaving room for a variety of decisions, depending upon the uniqueness of the case and the perception of those offering counsel, especially the pastor.

In addressing this case scenario, several facts are obvious: a) adultery is not the catalyst for the wife’s desire for divorce, b) God, from His Word, intends for the faithful to remain married and that marriage is not contractual, but a covenant between a man, woman, and God, c) God’s will is for believers to marry believers, d) divorce is permitted, but only as a result of death. One inference bubbling to the surface is whether the wife—a church member—is looking for a way out of the marriage, convinced in faith that this is the only way honor God; however, this motive is doubtful, given the available facts. More likely this is not so much a faith issue, per se, as one of spousal frustration.

Additionally, civil law in Indiana (state of residence for this case scenario) makes clear that “a contract of marriage is not to be viewed by the courts as an ordinary contract which the parties may at any time agree to rescind,” nor can “it cannot be dissolved because the parties to it desire a dissolution.” Yet there is a statute which stipulates three causes for divorce due to willful abandonment:

1. “Abandonment for two years”;

2. “Cruel and inhuman treatment of either party by the other”;

3. “The failure of the husband to make reasonable provisions for his family for a period of two years.”

So even under civil law, the wife would have to argue that her husband abandoned the marriage for a period of at least two years.

I believe my best course of action involves an advance on two fronts. My greatest concern would have to be the wife’s spiritual well-being (and welfare). If she truly is the Christian purported by membership in my congregation, then the focal point of this matter is her priorities (though I can fully appreciate her concern for their children). At the same time, I would not at all want to appear unsympathetic to her plight (especially if her accusations are true); I would try to help this couple regain a healthier understanding of marriage as a partnership and a covenant by visiting with them together and individually.

I would try to impress upon the wife, to quote Luther, “that in God's sight there is no higher office, estate, condition and work (next to the Gospel which concerns God Himself) than the estate of marriage,” after which we would revisit what God says about marriage and divorce in His Word, assured and confident that He is a God of forgiveness and reconciliation.

There are not enough details to make this case scenario a textbook case for why Christians should only marry other Christians, but it makes for a good lesson to that effect. And sadly, the fact that wife is a member (active? new? remarried?) and her husband an unbeliever is the root of their troubles and will continue to be a draft on the pilot light of their marriage. 

As I read through the original paper, it occurred to me just how little my wife and knew about marriage (I was 22, she was 21-- so young!). And while it hasn't always been perfect over the last 31 years, our marriage has become better and stronger when we acknowledge that its designer, God, is the glue that holds it together. 

I don't expect my job as a pastor to be an easy one, but I do look forward to the challenges that await-- those cases of conscience. I'd sure like to see the divorce rate for guys my age go down and begin to see a trend of lifelong marriages as Millennials age...

Sorry for such a lengthy post. Just wanted to share.  :)

С Богом!

P.S. The author of the quote at top echoes a worldview that either misunderstands the concept of marriage (i.e. the vocations of man and woman) or, worse, has no concept of marriage in an increasingly disordered world. A broken home is broken because of broken relationships.